Therapy?
by Storybookgirl77
Summary: Set early series 8 and prequels my other stories but after One Night Only. Ruth is sent to see the staff psychologist before being cleared to return to Section D. She's already aware how Harry feels about her but can talking to a stranger make her see where her heart really lays? Is it with Harry? Section D or does she really not know?
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Spooks.

Kudos and BBC own all. No copyright infringement is intended nor should be inferred

She Knew

Ruth was not impressed. She understood that she had to go through the protocol the same as Lucas had but an hour session with the MI-5 interrogators was not her idea of the best way to spend a Thursday afternoon. Sighing heavily she looked up as Dianne Joseph, the service's chief interrogator. She paused, correcting herself head counsellor entered the room.

"Hello Ruth."

"Hello."

"You know why you are here."

"Yes, protocol."

"You were in deep cover for almost three years. Your cover was blown. A man died."

"I'm aware of that."

"Of course. But these events can have a profound effect on the psyche. Have you heard of dissociation? Post Traumatic Stress disorder?"

"Of course I have. Serious mental health issues that should not be taken lightly."

"You are at high risk after such a traumatic event." Ruth raised an eyebrow. It was clear this woman knew nothing of the work Section D did, of anything about her life before or since joining the service.

"I'm fine. Thank you."

"Good."

"Can I go now?"

"Ruth, you are high risk of PTSD."

"Thanks for the concern but I'm ok. Honestly." Ruth held the woman's gaze. "I just want to settle back into my life. Get back to work."

"You're the chief analyst in domestic counter terrorism?"

"I'm the only analyst in that section." Ruth stated firmly.

"How many languages do you speak? Greek? Ancient Greek? Mandarin, Russian, French?"

"And English."

"Ruth."

"Look, the section is always busy. They need an analyst that can get in there and do the job. My brain seems to pick up languages easily. That seems to help as does my background in GCHQ."

"I can see that."

"So? Can I go back?"

"Do you get flashbacks? Nightmares? Panic attacks?" Dianne leant forward. Ruth shook her head.

"No."

"Never."

"I'm a desk officer. I don't see what the field officers do." She paused. "I'm on the Grid."

"Their lives depend on you and the other desk officers."

"That's why you can't let your emotions in. The job is the job."

"Yes. When you click off and go home I can see that working. Not when you lived the job twenty four hours a day for nearly three years." Ruth narrowed her eyes.

"I don't know why I don't have PTSD. I don't know why, when I watched a man killed it didn't destroy me." Ruth could feel herself getting angry.

"Do you blame Harry?"

"What?"

"Sir Harry. Do you blame him for George being killed?"

"No. Ops go wrong. Sometimes when they go wrong people get hurt. That I'll always regret. But it wasn't my fault and it wasn't Harry's."

"You lived with George."

"Yes. My cover was blown. The only option I had was to bring George and his son to London. That decision led to his death and his son being sent home. You want to know if I blame Harry and if so, does that affect my ability to be in Section D?"

"Yes."

"Ok." Ruth began pacing the room. "I'll tell you who I blame. The man that chased me and an eight year old boy with a gun. The man who killed George, execution style. The man who." She closed her eyes as tears threatened to fall. "I blame him, I blame Mani for holding that blade to my throat. For putting Harry in that position. For making me lie."

"Its ok, Ruth."

"No it isn't." Ruth bit her lip. "I just need my life back."

"Right. I'm going to name some people you know from the section. Tell me in no more than two words what you feel. Not think. What you feel about them. Ok?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not really." Dianne smiled. "Joanna Portman."

"Friend."

Dianne made some notes.

"Tariq Masood."

"Boy Wonder."

"Lucas North."

"Calm."

"Tom Quinn."

"Misguided."

"Juliet Shaw."

"Whitehall Witch." Dianne laughed as she wrote something down. Ruth pulled a face.

"Malcolm Wyn-Jones."

"A hero."

"Adam Carter."

"Good man."

"Zafar Younis."

"Best friend."

"Ros Myers."

"Misunderstood."

"Harry Pearce."

"And we're finished." Ruth got up.

"Ruth, sit down."

"We're finished. I've jumped through all the hoops I'm going to. Let me go back to work or not it's up to you."

"Harry answered the question."

"You can't tell me that. Confidentiality. And since when did Harry have to see a shrink!"

"Psychologist." She replied. "Since the wan he loved died or at least pretended to. He didn't answer that question in words but his outburst said enough. As does yours." Ruth glared at the older woman. "Of you wont tell me. Tell him."

"What?"

"The rumours are true. The day you went off in that op he really did go into mourning. The whole section did. The DG forced him to see me. You're right there is no way I should tell you any of this. Just please, don't say I did."

"Can I go back to work?"

"Yes. I'm clearing you psychologically fit for duty."

"Thank you." Ruth smiled slightly.

"Go." Diane folded her arms. "But please think about what I said. Tell him." Ruth sighed sadly, nodding once before leaving the office.

Xxxxx

A/ possible second chapter if wanted. Rating may increase!


	2. Chapter 2

He knows?

Harry stared at the report Jo had left on his desk earlier. He knew it was important. He knew he should be concentrating but he couldn't get his mind to focus on the latest information on the Bendorff Group.

"Sir?" He looked up to see Jo in front of him. "I did knock."

"What do you want?"

"Lucas called in requesting back up. Ros is with him. Tariq has the police on route." She watched wide eyed as Harry nodded. "Oh and Ruth called."

"I see."

"She said not to disturb you but that she'd see us all tomorrow,"

Harry nodded, smiling slightly and followed Jo in the main Grid.

Xxxxx

Ruth stared at the wall of her depressing safe house flat. She knew she was lucky to be able to go back to work. Her mind kept trailing back to her phone call with Jo earlier. The young blonde woman had been delighted that she was starting work the next day. Smiling slightly Ruth knew at least one person would be happy to see her. The book on her lap lay there abandoned as she thought about someone else would be happy to see her back. The words of the counsellor ran through her mind. She knew Dianne was right, things couldn't go on. They'd been arguing and sniping at each other since her return. If they were to work together it had to stop. She had to clear the air.

Xxxx

Harry fed the cats, poured himself a small glass of scotch and sat on the sofa. Scarlet curled against him, sensing he needed some comfort.

"Strange times, girl." Scarlet looked up at him. "She's back. I collect her paperwork tomorrow. It's good." The dog licked his hand. "I'm a foolish old man. But you still love me.', eh?" Scarlet yawned resting her head on his lap. Harry smiled sadly as the little terrier drifted off to sleep.

Xxxxx

Ruth cursed the English weather as another car rushed past, splashing her with frozen rain water as she swore. Her hair plastered herself to her head as she pulled the sodden coat tighter. She cursed the fact she hadn't been given her driving licence back, that at least until tomorrow she was officially still dead. No licence meant no car. The late hour meant the bus didn't stop as close to Harry's house as usual and she was left with a ten minute walk in the November air, in the rain with no umbrella and shoes she should have left in Cyprus.

Xxxxxx

Harry closed his eyes. The alcohol left untouched on the coffee table. Scarlet had long since made her way to her bed as the cats snuggled together. Suddenly his eyes snapped open. The rain beat against the windows, cars drove past, headlights intermittently illuminating the room. But something was wrong, there was another sound. Getting to his feet he heard the gentle knock at the door. His pulse quickening he made his way to the door, aware that he could be in danger.

"Get a grip, Pearce. Death squads and burglars do not knock." He opened the door to see Ruth shivering as she did a very good impression of a drowned rat.

"Ruth?" He stepped back to let her in. "You're soaked."

"It's raining."

Harry smiled as he ushered her in.

"That's why you're such a good analyst."

"Harry." She held his gaze for a moment. The door behind her clicked shut.

"Ruth." She closed her eyes as he said her name. She swallowed hard as he took a risk and stepped nearer to her. "Why are you here?"

Xxxxxx

A/N ok so it looks like a chapter 3 is in the making ?


	3. Chapter 3

Rain and muffins

Ruth shivered slightly as she met Harry's gaze. Suddenly tracking half the way across London in the driving rain didn't seem such a good idea.

"I."

"Ruth, you're soaked. Whatever made you traipse all the way over here when we have a perfectly good telephone network and email isn't important enough to get pneumonia."

"It is." She took a deep breath.

"At least take that coat off first." Harry smiled. "And shoes. I'll put them to dry for you. Then tea? Yes. I remember how you like it."

"Harry."

"Please, if you were to get ill on my account." Ruth sighed, slipping her shoes off she suddenly felt smaller, brushing soaking wet hair away from her face she slipped her jacket off. Harry handed her a towel. "For your hair. My mother always taught me soaking hair was one way to get flu. Don't have a hairdryer in the house, sorry."

Ruth bit her lip.

"No need to worry about you getting flu then." She dried her hair as Harry frowned, detecting the teasing note to her voice she had lost since he had last seen her.

"No, I don't suppose there is." Ruth followed him into the kitchen.

"Harry, I shouldn't have bothered you."

"I'm glad you did."

"I." She shivered.

"You are soaked to the skin! Ruth I didn't realise. I'll find you an t shirt. Catherine left a hoodie thing here last time." Ruth folded her arms across her chest, suddenly self conscious.

"I can't do this."

"Oh."

"I'm still coming back to work." She closed her eyes. "Jo came to see me. And Ros."

"Ros?"

"She's concerned. In her own I don't give a stuff way." Harry smiled.

"Ros is softer than we all thought. She has a good heart. She doesn't like people to see it." Ruth smiled, knowing Harry would always see the good in his team. She stepped nearer.

"We can't keep avoiding each other and arguing all the time."

"No." Harry looked away.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Ruth touched his face, he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry I disturbed you tonight. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did when we were on the bridge. I sorry you thought I blamed you because I don't. I never did." His hand covered hers. His eyes flickered open, meeting hers.

"Ruth."

"I'm sorry you thought I believed you to be a monster. You're not. You never could be." Somehow Harry had moved so close she could feel the heat from his body. "I'm sorry for everything I said in that bloody room."

"Me too." Harry rested his forehead against hers. Ruth took a deep breath, her other hand finding its way to his shoulder.

"I'm sorry I let you think my feelings had changed." Her voice hitched with tears as Harry pulled back slightly.

"You moved on. You had to."

"No I didn't. Not really. I should have let you say what you wanted to on that dockside. I." Tears threatened to fall. "I wanted to say it back. So badly." Harry shortened the gap, kissing her gently. Ruth pulled him closer, kissing him deeply. Somehow she ended up pinned to the kitchen wall. Harry pulled back, gasping for breath he brushed her now damp hair away from her face.

"Don't apologise for anything."

"Harry." Her eyes fixed on his. "Harry. I."

He smiled, watching as she mumbled something to herself.

"What?"

"I came to clear the air. I didn't come to throw myself at you. I dunno on the way over I even thought about stopping for a basket of muffins. Something to break the ice."

"Ruth. I love you. Always have. Always will." He paused as a smiled crept across her face. She finally met his gaze. "What does your analyst's mind think to that?" Harry held his breath as she reached up on tiptoes, wrapping her arms around his neck, one hand finding the back of his collar.

"You. It's always been you. Since the EERIE exercise. I love you, Harry." He kissed her deeply. Kisses turned more passionate as clothes hit the floor. Harry pulled her towards the stairs as they kissed. His lips found her neck as she gasped.

"Ruth?"

"Mm?"

"Stay?"

"Forever if you want me." Harry kissed her putting all the passion and emotion he had for the woman in front of him into the kiss. Breaking for air Ruth smiled, suddenly aware neither had many clothes on.

"Harry?"

"Was just thinking this is better than a basket of muffins." Ruth rolled her eyes as they fell onto the bed.

Xxxxx

A/n so I watched 8.3 again. Please review xx


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